Living My Dream

by Lucretia Mann


Almost one year ago, I was rushed to the hospital, critically ill.  Following an hour in the ER, I was diagnosed with renal failure and readied for immediate hemodialysis.  After five daily hemodialysis treatments, I was discharged from ICU for five further days of hospitalization.  Miraculously, by the time of my hospital discharge, my blood chemistry had significantly improved and I felt fairly normal AND physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

While in the ER, even though I was aware that I was not thinking especially clearly, I knew I was fighting to survive.  In that battle, I also knew that I needed to let go of all expectations and attachments except my faith in God and desire to live.  I remember symbolically opening my hands to release my hold on the expectations and attachments, even EDS and my postulancy.  For those who know me well, you will appreciate the significance of that release for me:  attending EDS and ordination to the priesthood have been my dream for the past 30 years.  And it was a dream that I had never imagined I would be so blessed to actually experience.

After I had been home one week of my two and one half months’ leave from work, I started to hope that I would be able to pick up those threads of my life.   My hope was sustained by my faith and by the loving support of friends and family.  My three adult sons who live in the Baltimore-DC metropolitan area, successively spent five days with me from hospitalization through discharge.  To them I will be forever and deeply grateful.  Their active love sustained me and gave me courage to imagine a future.  My parish family provided meals and transportation to dialysis for the first month.  I was aware of being sustained in prayer by friends and their faith communities and by my EDS family.  To all of you, I am deeply grateful.

As I begin to prepare for the intensive June term at school, I am reflecting on the blessing of even being able to continue at EDS and with my postulancy for ordination to the priesthood in the Episcopal Church.  Before this medical crisis, I had never experienced the presence of God and support of praying as I have in the past year.  And I blink with amazement that now, as I write this reflection, I have been back at work for ten months; I have more energy than I have enjoyed in thirty years; and I am still on track to finish my degree in 2013.

I recognize that my own inherent optimism and refusal to view my renal failure catastrophically are factors that contribute to my sense of well being.  Yes, I must perform nightly peritoneal dialysis in my home until I have a kidney transplant.  But, this process occurs largely while I sleep, and I am able to disconnect each morning and resume my life.  Yes, I must plan to have sufficient supplies delivered to Cambridge for each intensive two-week term.  Yes, I must lug my dialysis machine with me on airplanes whenever I travel.  And yes, I must have sufficient protein in my daily diet and restrict my intake of potassium, phosphorous, and sodium.  Even with those considerations, I count myself blessed and I refuse to let the diagnosis of renal failure define who I am or limit my reponse to God's call to ministry and service.

Lucretia Mann is a DL student at EDS with the 2009 cohort and a postulant for Holy Orders in the Diocese of El Camino Real. Originally from the Boston area and a graduate of Wellesley College, Lucretia completed graduate studies in clinical psychology at the University of Florida (Go Gators!). She moved to Santa Cruz, California nine years ago in order to administer a small VA readjustment counseling center and provide therapy to veterans with PTSD from combat and/or miliitary sexual trauma. Lucretia is the mother of three adult sons who reside in the Baltimore-DC metropolitan area, and is a life-long crazed Red Sox fan.

Yes, There Is A God!

By Joan M. Martin

Last night I gasped when I read the headlines of my denomination's web page. While pleased to see the lead article was about Presbyterians fighting modern day slavery, what made my heart stop was another headline, "Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) approves change in ordination standard"- something as an ordained lesbian, an African American lesbian, I thought might come someday, but was unprepared for yesterday to be the day! A familiar hymn came to mind with new words, "O day of liberation!"

I am nearly speechless, really. I can't stop welling up with tears right now when, just beneath the surface, there have been of years of thick-skinned advocacy tinged with unspoken disappointments, but hope nevertheless.

In 1978, two years after my ordination, the predecessor denomination to today's PCUSA, "prohibited the ordination of self-acknowledged practicing gay and lesbian persons." That meant me. A couple of years after that the church "grandfathered" those of us ordained prior to 1978 in the church's rendition of "don't ask, don't tell." That meant me, too. And for 31 years more, the church has been intransigent with glimmers of light coming only since 1991 with moments of progress often measured in inches and setbacks measured in yards! Yet the inches were a lifeline in the struggle.

So, last night I rejoiced. Last night I could shout, "Yes, there is a God!"

Okay, today it's back to work.

Today, I give thanks to God that I have had the unique privilege and relative “safety” of teaching and living at Episcopal Divinity School (EDS) for the past 17 years where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBTQ) people have been welcomed on faculty, staff, and in the student body since the mid-1970’s. Thank you, EDS.

Today is about organizing ecumenically for the petition drive, "An Endorsement Against Church Bigotry and the Injustice of United Methodist Book of Discipline, parag. 304. 3 which prohibits the ordination, certification as candidates, or appointments to serve in ministry of 'self-avowed practicing homosexuals," and support Black Methodists for Church Renewal in their radical refusal to separate the rights of African Americans from LGBTQ folks in church and society. Yes, there is a God!

Last night, my tears were tears of joy and release and celebration. Today, I am not mourning, but organizing to fight for the life of LGBTQ folks in Uganda where its parliament threatens to pass a Death Penalty Bill: Kill the Gays, and yes, sign another petition and write to my Massachusetts Congressional Delegation to demand withdraw of U.S. foreign aid to Uganda if this bill passes.

Last night, I shouted for joy! Today, it is time for me to ask Sojourners' Jim Wallace and his people, "Why and how is God's welcome of LGBTQ folks a problem of 'sides' for the Sojourner community?"

Last night I felt once again, my deep connection as a fourth generation Black Presbyterian woman fighting for equality in church and society. Today, I have to advocate my Presbytery that all who are qualified by the standards of the Church will be ordained. Today.

What goes around comes around because, yes, there is a God!


* This blog first appeared in the Rev. Dr. Joan M. Martin's blog, (http://joanmartinwomanist.blogspot.com/)

**The Rev. Dr. Joan M. Martin is William W. Rankin Associate Professor of Christian Social Ethics at the Episcopal Divinity School. She is a scholar activist and is the author of More Than Chains and Toil: A Christian Ethic of Enslaved Women (Westminster John Knox, 2000).